I want more (biological) kids

Your wife might be ready to adopt, but you’re not. You want more biological kids. There are times in a marriage when our dreams don’t match up. Those are hard circumstances. Ideally, dreams were discussed prior to marriage. If that discussion never happened, then my recommendation is to seek counseling.

In most cases, however, couples did talk about their desires for family but adoption wasn’t in the radar. Now that it is, a wrench has been thrown in the cookie cutter plan. The stress level is going up and maybe there’s even been a fight or two. You’re a little bruised and you’re both getting defensive. You know the topic is going to come up again, so you’re gearing up for a fight… or just trying to avoid it with all your might. So what to do? Here are a few suggestions.

From Flickr by ekmai

 

1. Remember that you are a team. You and your spouse need to stick together. Your marriage is more important than any adoption. Both of you need to understand that. The priorities should never be flipped. Don’t let indecision about adoption bring division to your marriage. Stick together even while you wrestle with the issue. You can do so by telling each other that you are for each other even if you disagree on this issue.

2. Talk to God. Ultimately, He is sovereign over your family and your fatherhood story. Be honest with Him, and wait for an answer. He is faithful to answer if we are honest and ask in faith. Be willing to obey. Remember, He’s the Boss, not you.

3. Why can’t you do both?

 

Are my kids going to get hurt?

In Part III of Adoption Tips for Guys we are asking ourselves the question: Is it safe? If you’re adopting a healthy newborn, then you’re off the hook as far as this issue is concerned. But if not, then this is something that every parent will ask themselves. If they don’t, then I’m sure they’ve either considered the question in the past, or they’ve been surrounded by adoptive families for a while. In short, if you are asking this question, that is a very good thing.

From Flickr by gelayred

As dads, this is important to us, especially if we have little ones. It’s our duty to protect and defend! The most honest answer to that question is that we don’t know for sure. If done correctly, the chances are small, but there is always a risk. It’s a scary risk, no doubt. But before you give up on adoption, please consider the following.

Is there a risk that you will die while you drive to work tomorrow? That most honest answer to that question is yes. However, that does not keep you from going to work. I assume there are three big reasons why: (1) God is in control; (2) you are going to take safety precautions, such as following the speed limit (hopefully!) and using a seatbelt; (3) most people are safe drivers.

The same three reasons apply to adoption.

Reason #1 – God is in control
God loves your family more than you do. He has no desire in harming anyone. He is also a lot more able to protect your family than you and He is willing to do so. God is also faithful to lead us in the right path if we ask with faith. So, in the process, listen to the Holy Spirit. Ask God for wisdom and trust Him. Ask godly people for their council. There is victory in the multitude of counselors. He really, really does want your family to stay intact. He is good and will not lead you astray. You can trust Him when making a decision about which child to adopt.

Reason #2 – Safety Precautions
When we were in the process of adopting, Daniela wasn’t even a year old yet. So Maranda and I decided that we were not willing to adopt someone who had been sexually abused or that had a history of aggression. We just did not feel like we could keep her safe.

When considering which child to adopt, only go as far as you’re comfortable.You know what you can and can’t do. There are plenty of children to be adopted and no need to feel guilty for not being able to adopt them all.

Reason #3 – Safe Environment
We all know that the world in general can be a really scary place, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. In the process of adoption, one of the most important steps is finding a great adoption agency. You want an agency that will not only be an advocate for the child and birth family, but for you and your family, as well. When my wife and I were in the process with Covenant Kids, I felt like they had our back. I learned to trust them and felt very safe. They were comfortable when we told them “No,” and we were always willing to listen to what they had to say. It was a great relationship.

We applied these three principles to our adoption and it worked. My family is safe. I trust the same can be true for you, too.

Related articles

• What if we don’t bond? (thegomesfamily.wordpress.com)
• Adoption Tips for Guys (thegomesfamily.wordpress.com)

 

What if we don’t bond?

From Flickr by kevygee

Earlier this week, I started the Adoption Tips for Guys series. In this series, I will address issues that I had to work through myself in the hope that it will help other men through the process of adoption, as well. The first issue is, “What if they don’t feel like my kid? What if we don’t bond? What if it’s weird and doesn’t feel real for the rest of my life?”

Well, guess what. They probably won’t feel like your very own in the beginning. Of course, there are exceptions. But that certainly was the case for me and my adopted son and even Daniela, too. While she was in her mother’s womb, there were many days that I didn’t feel very much (or anything at all). It was quite surreal.And if that’s the case with biological children, why isn’t it okay with adopted children. The reality is that bonding comes with time.

There was a (lame) movie in the 80’s that said, “If you build it, they will come.” Well, that sort of applies here, too. If you commit to loving your adopted child, the connection will come. They’ll feel like your kid with time. It won’t be weird. But you need to be brave enough to give God time to work in your heart and allow time for natural bonding processes to take place. God is faithful to not leave you in a situation where you are stuck with a child who doesn’t feel like your own. But you are going to have to step out again and again, especially in the first 6 months, and love a child you barely know as if they are your own. It’ll work, but you have to be brave. The result will be a son or daughter who genuinely loves you as their dad.

I’ve always wanted to have a son. That’s a normal guy thing, I guess. Now that we’ve adopted Joseph I can genuinely say that that desire has been fulfilled. It took a while, and I’m not sure where along the way the bonding occurred, but it did. It just took time.

So, the real question is whether you are brave enough to trust God in this issue… Are you?

If not, be honest with God, and He’ll help you. He won’t judge you. He’s safe!

 

Red, Green, Blue & Yellow

Today, my legal status has finally caught up with my heart. I am now officially an American citizen, and happy to be so because my heart is red, green, blue, yellow, and white.

I have so much I could say that I don’t know what to say at all! Ha! So let’s just look at the photos from today’s ceremony! I was accompanied by another 97 other candidates for citizenship, representing a total of 38 countries from every corner of the world! Some of the nations there were… Brazil (me only), Ethiopia, Cambodia, China, Ireland, Syria, Cameroon,  UK, Pakistan, Honduras, Canada, Chile, and many others!

Look who paid Daddy a little surprise visit during the ceremony… (Candidates for citizenship had to sit in a specific location separate from family and friends).

My favorite team in the whole world was there cheering for me!

And here’s the proof… Applied for my American passport and registered to vote with it today!

We went to Red Robin to celebrate by eating burgers. American style! And look who was waiting to receive me when I got there!

And I splurged.

A big thanks to my wonderful wife and my two awesome kids. You color my life more than all earthly things, even this day. I love you three.

(For those waiting for the next post from the “Adoption for Tips for Guys” series, come back tomorrow!)

 

Adoption Tips for Guys

Us guys have to stick together. That’s the reason I decided to write this post, and the ones that will follow.  I’m starting a series of posts for guys who are considering adoption (or maybe it’s just your wife and you don’t know what to do about it). If you’re anything like me you just have bunch of questions in your mind that need to be worked through (with time!) before making such a big decision. I mean, commitments are serious business and every commitment brings more responsibility. The more responsibilities, the more stress, the more need for money, the less (necessary) down time, and so on. So you just have to know what you’re really getting into before you go head deep into something like adoption. It can be really scary. I understand. So guys, this is for us.

From Flickr by suraphatsiri

From now until Father’s Day, I will be writing two posts a week. Each post will contain a serious question that I had to wrestle through before I was ready to adopt. Here are some samples of future posts:

“What if I can’t bond with the kid?”

“What if they hurt one of my biological kids?”

“How much does it cost?????”

Thankfully, I got an answer for all of these questions. My answers might not be satisfactory for you, but they might steer you in the right direction for you and your family.

So come back again in a few days and you’ll see my answer to one of those questions. If you have any particular issues  you’d like me to address, please feel free to e-mail me at thegomesfamily1@gmail.com. If at all possible, I’ll be glad to incorporate it.

(And ladies, you’re welcome to visit and read the blogs, as well )

 

Family of 4…looking for more?

So, yesterday was Joseph’s first Gotcha Day–the one year anniversary of Joseph’s adoption finalization.  As I look back, I can hardly believe it was only a year ago.  Time flies.  It feels like so much longer.  When we were first arranging Joseph’s placement, I remember looking at Ed and saying, “When this adoption is finalized, can it just be the 4 of us for a while?”  I knew even when I said it that it didn’t feel very much like us.  We had gone from a brief dating period to an even briefer engagement (2 months) to being married, having our first child shortly after our first anniversary, and when she was only 5 months old we began the adoption process.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t regret any of those decisions.  We were following the Lord every step of the way and it worked out perfectly.  But I was a little tired and I just thought I needed a break…a long break.  Maybe a 5-year break.

Shortly after we finalized Joseph’s adoption, we closed on our very first home.  Shortly after that, I began training for the walk.  I have now been home from the walk for a little over a month.  Before setting foot in Houston, I pictured this time after it was over as a peaceful, laid-back season…maybe getting pregnant…but not really rushing or purposing to do anything.  However, as the Lord knows–and probably everyone else but me knows–that is not really who I am.  I am not one to sit around and waste this precious life I’ve been given.  I want to be about kingdom business.  I think the Lord must have told Therese Engle that.  The very evening that I met her, she was grabbing hold of me during our commissioning service (the evening before the walk began) and shouting, “More adoptions Lord!  More adoptions!”  I couldn’t help but agree with her.  Of course I wanted more adoptions, but something told me they were coming sooner than I imagined.

When I arrived in Dallas, there was a fire in my belly.  I was burning to bring more orphans in our home.  I even started nesting.  I became overwhelmed with the feeling that we needed to convert our garage into more sleeping and eating space so that we could bring in more children.  Now, keep in mind that we just bought our home.  It is a 3-bedroom/2-bath home.  There is plenty of room for 1 or even 2 more children.  Somehow, though, I couldn’t help feeling that it wasn’t enough space.  I scheduled a couple of contractors to come out for estimates.  The estimates were big.  I didn’t see how it could possibly happen, but I knew the Lord well enough to know He was up to something.

Admittedly, we were a little confused.  The Lord had already spoken to us about several things we were to pursue in this season.  How did this fit in and which ones were we to make priority? Cut to last Monday night.  Every year, our church has a conference where they invite well-respected ministers into our community to prophecy over couples and individuals as well as the corporate congregation.  Every year the church leadership chooses some people to receive words, and they also allow the ministers to speak to members of the congregation as they feel led.  This year, we were blessed to be one of the couples scheduled to receive words.  Each of the three messengers brought relevant, timely words that greatly encouraged us.  However, what I want to note here is what the last minister said to me as he was finishing up.  He was talking about how many would call me mother…many more than just my biological children.  He then looked me in the eye and said, “It’s time to expand your tent pegs.  You need to make room.”

Can you believe it?  God told this man who had never met me before–who just had my name written on a piece of paper–to tell me to remodel my garage!  Isn’t that just like the Lord?!  So, folks, here we go.  I don’t know how and I don’t know when, but the messenger told me to ask, seek, knock and keep knocking and God’s answer would come.  Would you knock on Heaven’s door with me?  We do not have the finances to do this–nor do we have a foreseeable way of getting them.  However, we know that God does.  I have no idea where this will lead, but I have a hunch that we will be fostering or adopting a sibling group in the near (a lot sooner than 5 years) future.  I can hardly wait!

Joseph on the day we met him.

Joseph now. Notice the difference?

 

A different kind of birthday

So I am celebrating a different kind of birthday today. You see Joseph has two birthdays in a way. One is his birth-day. The second his adoption day.

One year ago today we went before a judge and to make legal what we had already committed to in our hearts. The judge declared Joseph to be our son and decreed that his name be changed – forever! Not only that, but his past records were “sealed.” We were told later “sealed” meant that all his records were literally wrapped duct taped and placed in a location where no one would be allowed to legally access it without our permission or a judge’s (in an extraneous circumstance). So, for all legal purposes, it’s as if Joseph didn’t have a past because no one can access it.

So today, I feel double the love. One because Joseph’s destiny officially changed forever this day. Secondly, because adopting Joseph taught me so much about God’s love. More than ever, I believe in God’s commitment to my heart and that fact that all my past is forgotten and no one can access it. Natural adoption is such a beautiful picture of our spiritual rebirth or adoption.

So this is going to be a good weekend. Tonight, we’re making pizza, a cake, and popcorn. Tomorrow… well… we’re going to clean up. But then Sunday, we’re going to celebrate Mother’s Day. When the culture is vexing over a ridiculous article about unhealthy motherly attachments, I’m going to be celebrating a woman who has displayed the true beauty of sacrificial motherhood. She is remarkable. She can’t be matched. Her love for Joseph both encourages and shames me. Only someone as beautiful and wonderful as Maranda would be able to do that.

Here’s to Joseph & Maranda – two amazing people who have changed my life forever.

 

Was that thunder or a whisper?

From Flickr by umutbarisruzgar

Discernment is quite possibly one of the hardest skills to learn. Generally, women are more discerning than men, but not always. So, how does it work? Are you just born with it? Is it just hormones? Maybe. Who knows? More likely, it’s a gift from God, as the Bible says. One can’t just be awesome and “have” it because of awesomeness. I should be thankful. Sometimes I can confuse a thunder for a whisper.

I usually wonder (or try to discern) what God is doing on a large scale. (Habakkuk told us we should!) Wonder is the right word because I most often I can’t discern it. I’m practicing though, as I should, and today I feel as if I have an idea about 2012. I want to share it because His actions are a key to His heart. We need to be in tune with His heart if we want to be truly relevant to the heart of our generation.

Please consider the following:

• On January 3^rd, Rick Santorum essentially ties Mitt Romney in the Iowa Republican Primary. He does not believe in birth control and his views create a firestorm of debate regarding birth control.
• In February, we went through the Susan G. Komen Foundation and Planned Parenthood non-sense. (Why is it wrong for the Komen foundation to refuse funding for an organization that doesn’t provide mammograms?)
•  In March, the Obama administration releases the federal requirement for all employers to cover all forms of birth control, including sterilizations and abortion-inducing chemical birth control.
• Towards the end of March, the Supreme Court hears the case for Obamacare. Do you remember how Obamacare almost didn’t pass because of… abortion? Obama had to get Bart Stupak and other “pro-life” Democrats on his side in order to pass the bill. The hinge of all of Obamacare came down to abortion. Now, the greatest advancement of abortion in America since Roe v. Wade was hanging on the balance again.
• Around the same time, news come out that the Alliance Defense Fund and Abby Johnson filed suit against Planned Parenthood of the Gulf Coast for Medicaid fraud.
• Also in March, October Baby comes out.
• Also in March, Obama follows through on pulling funds from Texas because Perry had partially defunded Planned Parenthood.
• At the same time, 39 young women walk 270+ miles across Texas sharing their testimonies regarding abortion and why they stand for LIFE.

Well, at that point, nobody missed the culture wars! So…

• Republicans chickened out and chose the “more electable” Mitt Romney as their candidate in a desperate effort to calm the culture wars and “focus on the economy”! (We, after all, only care about the money).

All was supposed to calm down… But then…

• Democratic strategist Hillary Rosen criticizes Ann Romney for being a stay-at-home mom. And here comes the culture wars again! Gosh darn it! I thought the more electable Mitt Romney would’ve calmed it all! Can’t we just have a Etch-A-Sketch for everyone?

Gosh, we just can’t get away from it… I wonder why… Wait, what’s going on, now?!

• Mississippi passes HB1390 to raise health standards of abortion clinics. This bill will effectively close the last abortion clinic in Mississippi. In contrast, pro-choicers in California unsuccessfully push a bill that would allow nurses and midwives, and not just doctors, to perform abortions (aka: lower the standards).

Wait, there’s more!!!

• It’s Chen Guangchen, the activist hated by the Chinese government. And America is involvedwith him! Do you know why the Chinese government hates him? Chen stands against the one-child policy… which brings it all back to… abortion and sterilization (birth control)! (I thought Santorum was gone!)

So, you tell me. Is there a message at all? If yes, is it a whisper or a thunder?  I think it’s thunder! Is it that hard to discern? God will not let the issue of LIFE go away, America. No matter how hard we try.

It’s not just me who sees something unique going on. In fact, The Economist had the discernment to write: “At rare moments the future of a nation, even one teeming with 1.3 billion souls, can be bound up in the fate of a single person. Just possibly China is living through one of those moments and Chen Guangcheng is that person. ”

I think the same is true about America. I only happen to think that our symbol was the Santorum family. But we got rid of them, so God in His mercy has raised up Ann Romney and Chen Guangcheng. I wonder who’s next? I don’t think God’s done yet.

We need to see and hear clearly!!! It’s not hard to know what is on His heart and mind for America as a corporate nation at this time. If you’re still confused, let me be clear, it is NOT the economy. Hellooooo! He has set before us life and death. What will we choose?

Either way, we’ll get what we want.

Look among the nations! Observe! Be astonished! Wonder! Because I am doing something in your days— you would not believe if you were told. Habakkuk 1:3

 

I dreamed about Aerosmith?

Last night I had a strange dream that I’m sure was a message from the Lord.  I dreamt that I was at an Aerosmith concert ( I know, weird) and that several other classic rock bands were playing.  They were doing a benefit to promote adoption.  Steven Tyler had adopted a couple of kids (who were now teenagers) and they were on the stage performing.  The rock star was talking about his experience adopting these two exceptional children and where they might have ended up if he hadn’t adopted them.  They were running a promotion where if you got your ticket stamped you could get discounted adoption fees at a certain agency.  I remember standing there stunned, unsure what to make of all of this.

Then the dream flashed to another scene where I was discussing the situation with a teenage girl who has been adopted into a great Christian home.  She said, “Isn’t it wonderful, Maranda?  Think of how many children will be adopted now because of all of this exposure.”  I remember looking at her very thoughtfully and saying, “No.  This isn’t wonderful at all.  This is just another false social justice movement.”  I went on to explain to her that there is no solution to the orphan crisis apart from the Lord.

I told her this was just another example of our human pride and rebellion against God.  It was like they were saying, “We can fix this.  Humankind is truly good at heart.  We need to just draw from that and take these kids in.”  But humankind is not good at heart.  It was our evil and rebellious nature that created the orphan problem and we cannot fix it of our own volition.  Human solutions to societal ills are just our own rebellion against the Lord–telling Him that we don’t need Him; we can fix it on our own.

What’s worse–as I continued to explain to the young girl in the dream–is that those children are highly unlikely to come to the Lord in Steven Tyler’s home.  It is a home that has embraced wickedness and wealth, and Jesus said in Matthew 19:23 that it is difficult for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.  But what if their suffering as orphans could lead them into the arms of Jesus?  Allow me to be clear that I am BY NO MEANS advocating that we leave children un-adopted  in hopes that it might turn them to the Lord.  What I AM saying is that you can rest assured that the enemy wants these children and he will raise up wicked people to take them in.  We simply must desire these children more than the devil does.  We must be the hands and feet of God (who wants these children more than we could possibly imagine) and take them in before the devil has a chance.

As the Lord is raising up an adoption movement within the church, it would appear that the enemy is raising up a counterfeit movement.  We cannot, in any way, support this counterfeit movement.  We must put up a spiritual defense against it by adopting more and more children.  We cannot be deceived.  It does children no good to simply postpone their suffering until hell.  They must be adopted into Christian homes in order to lead them to eternal life.  There are souls hanging in the balance.

 

Back to Life Recap 4 – Go Low

I mentioned in my previous post that the Lord was speaking to me in an unexpected way on the walk.  He did a work in my heart to allow me to comprehend the extreme value and worth of people with disabilities.  One particular evening, the Lord met me as we worshiped together with one of the churches who partnered with us along the way.  I believe we were in Ennis, TX, though I’m not sure on that.

There was nothing really extraordinary about the music or the setting, but the Lord began to touch my heart in a very intimate way.  In fact, I was so visibly touched that my roommate asked me after the service what happened to me and she wasn’t even sitting by me.  I remember I had a headache that evening and as I entered into worship though I was in great pain, I felt the Lord’s pleasure over me.  I felt Him say that He was so proud of me because I hadn’t given Him an offering that cost me nothing.  Due to a chronic illness, it was a huge risk for me to take on such a physical task and it wasn’t exactly easy, and the Lord was pleased with my offering.  I began to weep simply because He felt so near to me.

Then, as He showered me with His pleasure, He gave me an invitation.  He said that He was so proud of me for making a commitment to serve “the least of these” by adopting Joseph and committing to adopt others in the future.  He then said, “I want to you to go lower.  I am empowering you to go lower.  I will give you the grace and strength to humble yourself in service of others in order to become more like Me.”  It was beautiful.  I simply could not stop the tears at this point.  He was not only inviting me into greater depths of humility–He was inviting me to go deeper into His heart–to share in the intimate places of His own servant’s heart.  I was undone.  I said yes.

I have no earthly idea of what that looks like at this point.  I have a hunch that it has to do with serving orphans and children with special needs to an even greater degree, but I have no specifics.  He will bring all of that in time.  What I do know is that I am honored.  The Bible says that the last shall be first.  That means that my son (and those like him), who was neglected, severely abused, and tossed in and out of 7 homes in 3 years is going to be a really big deal one day, and it’s going to last for eternity unending.  It is an honor and a privilege to serve him and the others that God will bring my way.